 Let me just start off by being honest here. This is not going to be my best blog post. I can’t seem to focus like I do some weeks. I can’t seem to articulate myself well. I actually don’t even know what exactly I want to articulate here. I’m writing it anyway and posting it is going to make me cringe a bit. I hope that does not stop you from reading. And I’ll explain more in a moment.
The past few weeks I have been exploring how Self-Worth impacts so many areas of our lives. I have written on Self-Worth as it relates to anxiety, depression, relationships, setting and holding boundaries, and now today I want to talk a little on how Self-Worth relates to perfectionism. If you have been reading along, you’ve learned that different experiences in our lives teach us things about ourselves. What we learn becomes what we believe. It’s ingrained in us and goes to our very core. Remember those beliefs like:
Perfectionism is one way the deep core belief that you aren’t “good enough” shows up and says maybe, just maybe, if you do things absolutely perfectly, you can finally believe that you ARE. It is a way of telling ourselves that we are only “good enough” when we are performing well. (THANK YOU school systems for putting such an emphasis on a letter grade and starting this cycle before we are old enough to even spell the word ‘perfectionism’.) The delusion of being perfect becomes our measuring stick. How unreasonable. We set ourselves up to fail. We have been conditioned to believe that we are constantly proving our worth through our performance. As an adult, that can be our performance on a work project, our annual review, our weight/appearance, what is on our plate, our children’s grades/sports, how kept our house is, etc. All these things are easy for us to “grade” ourselves on. When we look like we have it perfectly together, we can give ourselves a gold star and believe that we are good enough. The anxiety this causes!! Omg! The constant assessment of how we are measuring up. The never ending string of negative thoughts if things are not perfect. It is absolutely exhausting and the reason for many breakdowns and panic attacks. And here’s another problem: people tend to think that perfectionists are high functioning people. That’s not usually true though. Perfectionism doesn’t give us the motivation or ability to do things perfectly- it only tells us that if we DON’T, bad things will happen (like, people will find out that we aren’t good enough). It’s actually paralyzing. One of the most common characteristics of a perfectionist is extreme procrastination (which often leads to just not doing the thing). I keep saying “we” because it’s me. I have dealt with this for years (and am still working through it). It has taken me a week to sit down and write this blog just because I want to avoid this topic. Ya girl has been procrastinatinggg. And yes, it’s been paralyzing. How many of you have looked at your to-do list of house work on Saturday morning and it seems so overwhelming that you can’t even get started? Half of the day goes by and you just continue to beat yourself up for not starting, but can’t seem to get going because the list is too long to do in one day. All or nothing, black or white thinking. It either all has to be done and your house has to look like something out of Southern Living, or there is no point in even trying. It’s impossible so you just don’t bother. Here’s where we have to do the work of separating our self-worth from the task at hand. The house (or the article) is not a representation of your worth. I am good enough when I write an average article. It doesn’t have to be mind blowing. It can still help people, which is my goal. The house doesn’t have to be spotless. It can have a few less spots from cleaning a few things, and the rest can be dealt with another day. Once we calm our spirit and recenter on what is really happening in front of us (putting this weight on our performance), it actually frees us to be able to do the thing (or at least part of the thing) that we have been so paralyzed from getting done. Hence me cringing ...but hitting “post” nonetheless. Once we recognize what impossible standards we are putting on ourselves, we can start to sort through what we actually want to believe and what we can choose let go of. If you are ready to start the journey of letting go of the unreasonable expectations you put on yourself- to be perfect and do everything perfectly- message me today and let’s start working on what life could look like without all these demands.  That’s the issue here. Many people live their lives fully aware that boundaries would help and that they have the right to say no, but the fear of rejection, loss of relationship, or being told they are “wrong” for setting that boundary is too much to handle. Boundaries and Self-Worth. Two topics I could talk about all day. So much so that I had to get my shoes off, coffee in hand, comfy, and stretched out on my office floor just to write this.
Let me start by crediting the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend for the understanding and framework that I have about boundaries from a biblical and practical perspective. If you’ve not read it, I highly recommend it! When I talk with clients about boundaries (which I do with every client, very early on) I use the illustration (from this book) that boundaries are like fences. If you and I are next door neighbors and we have no idea where our property line is- it makes it difficult to know where to cut the grass. Where does my yard end and yours begins? If I am a people-pleasing, can’t stand for anyone to be mad at me, spread myself thinner than I should kind of person, I will more than likely cut a little more grass than I am actually required to, just to avoid you being mad that I didn’t cut all of my yard. If you, as a person, are a taker rather than a giver, you will gladly let me. This is why we need fences. Here’s the thing: most people think of fences as a way to keep unwanted things OUT of your yard, but they also keep you from doing other people’s work in theirs. If I mow beyond my property line I am using my resources, my time, and my energy to do work that you should be doing. I am allowing you to get out of doing your responsibilities. Not only does it drain me, but it supports your bad habits and tells you that it’s okay to take advantage of me. By continuing to cut your grass, I am also teaching you that this is okay. So now you see why setting new boundaries is so hard! One of my all time favorite quotes is, “The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who benefitted from you not having any.” How powerful is that?? If I set a new boundary (aka I build a privacy fence) now YOU have to cut your own lawn. No more free labor! I could go on and on about boundaries here and why they are important, how to identify and set them, how to uphold, etc., but the point of this blog is how Self-Worth impacts your ability to hold boundaries. Self-Worth is simply understanding that your neighbor’s lawn is not your responsibility, that you have a right to say no to doing their work, and most importantly, that you will be okay if they don’t like you or your new fence. That’s the issue here. Many people live their lives fully aware that boundaries would help and that they have the right to say no, but the fear of rejection, loss of relationship, or being told they are “wrong” for setting that boundary is too much to handle. “I know I should tell my boyfriend I’m not comfortable with the way he talks to me, but every time I bring up something I want him to change, he threatens to leave.” Or maybe it’s not that obvious. Maybe it sounds more like, “It’s easier to just do what my mom says to keep her happy, otherwise I’ll have to listen to a lecture on what a bad daughter I’ve been for moving out.” Both of these examples are saying 1- I know that how I’m being treated in this situation is not okay, and 2- I’m not going to speak up because their anticipated response triggers a deep fear of mine. If you are having difficulty setting a boundary (and here’s a tip- guilt is a big indicator that there is an issue!), take a step back from the situation itself and ask yourself- what are you afraid will happen and what would it potentially happening say about you? That deep fear is a flaw in your Self-Worth. That’s where the work needs to be done. When you know your Self-Worth, you know you will be okay without people who treat you badly. When you know your Self-Worth, you feel confident that it is okay to make a life for yourself, away from your family of origin. When you know your Self-Worth, you can handle someone being upset with you and know that good relationships can weather tough days and change. If you can recognize that your Self-Worth is preventing you from setting healthy, much needed boundaries but don’t know where to go from here, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. This is not easy work! You don’t have to do it alone. I am here to help. |
Julie
|
RSS Feed