Setting Boundaries and Self-Worth

That’s the issue here. Many people live their lives fully aware that boundaries would help and that they have the right to say no, but the fear of rejection, loss of relationship, or being told they are “wrong” for setting that boundary is too much to handle.

Boundaries and Self-Worth. Two topics I could talk about all day. So much so that I had to get my shoes off, coffee in hand, comfy, and stretched out on my office floor just to write this. 

Let me start by crediting the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend for the understanding and framework that I have about boundaries from a biblical and practical perspective. If you’ve not read it, I highly recommend it!

When I talk with clients about boundaries (which I do with every client, very early on) I use the illustration (from this book) that boundaries are like fences. If you and I are next door neighbors and we have no idea where our property line is- it makes it difficult to know where to cut the grass. Where does my yard end and yours begins? 

If I am a people-pleasing, can’t stand for anyone to be mad at me, spread myself thinner than I should kind of person, I will more than likely cut a little more grass than I am actually required to, just to avoid you being mad that I didn’t cut all of my yard. If you, as a person, are a taker rather than a giver, you will gladly let me. 

This is why we need fences. 

Here’s the thing: most people think of fences as a way to keep unwanted things OUT of your yard, but they also keep you from doing other people’s work in theirs. 

If I mow beyond my property line I am using my resources, my time, and my energy to do work that you should be doing. I am allowing you to get out of doing your responsibilities. Not only does it drain me, but it supports your bad habits and tells you that it’s okay to take advantage of me. By continuing to cut your grass, I am also teaching you that this is okay.

So now you see why setting new boundaries is so hard! One of my all time favorite quotes is, “The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who benefitted from you not having any.” How powerful is that?? If I set a new boundary (aka I build a privacy fence) now YOU have to cut your own lawn. No more free labor!

I could go on and on about boundaries here and why they are important, how to identify and set them, how to uphold, etc., but the point of this blog is how Self-Worth impacts your ability to hold boundaries. Self-Worth is simply understanding that your neighbor’s lawn is not your responsibility, that you have a right to say no to doing their work, and most importantly, that you will be okay if they don’t like you or your new fence. 

That’s the issue here. Many people live their lives fully aware that boundaries would help and that they have the right to say no, but the fear of rejection, loss of relationship, or being told they are “wrong” for setting that boundary is too much to handle. 

“I know I should tell my boyfriend I’m not comfortable with the way he talks to me, but every time I bring up something I want him to change, he threatens to leave.” Or maybe it’s not that obvious. Maybe it sounds more like, “It’s easier to just do what my mom says to keep her happy, otherwise I’ll have to listen to a lecture on what a bad daughter I’ve been for moving out.”

Both of these examples are saying 1- I know that how I’m being treated in this situation is not okay, and 2- I’m not going to speak up because their anticipated response triggers a deep fear of mine. 

If you are having difficulty setting a boundary (and here’s a tip- guilt is a big indicator that there is an issue!), take a step back from the situation itself and ask yourself- what are you afraid will happen and what would it potentially happening say about you? 

That deep fear is a flaw in your Self-Worth. That’s where the work needs to be done.

When you know your Self-Worth, you know you will be okay without people who treat you badly. When you know your Self-Worth, you feel confident that it is okay to make a life for yourself, away from your family of origin.
When you know your Self-Worth, you can handle someone being upset with you and know that good relationships can weather tough days and change. 

If you can recognize that your Self-Worth is preventing you from setting healthy, much needed boundaries but don’t know where to go from here, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. This is not easy work! You don’t have to do it alone. I am here to help.