It’s like the old saying, “You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first.” And you can’t love yourself if you don’t first know just how much you are worth. I have really good relationships in my life these days. People that have been around for a decade or more. Friends that knew me in my clubbin' days, my crazy hair color days, and my unfortunate boy-crazy days. Most even made it through grad school with me, when I thought I would lose my shit more than a few (dozen) times. I 100% believe that relationships with other people get better as your relationship with yourself gets better. I want to explore how the way you view/understand yourself and your own worth determines the quality of the relationships you allow in your life, by sharing a bit of my own story with you. I have never been the girl that didn't have girlfriends and I'm not the one that says, "guys are easier to get along with." I have always had the most amazing girlfriends in my life and they are such a blessing! In fact, I have so many close friends that for my beach wedding (which was super laid-back to start with), I literally didn't bother having official bridesmaids. There would have just been too many! I told everyone my color scheme and to pick something they felt comfortable in and just stand with me as I married my best friend. It was perfect.  I have been lucky enough to never really experience what it's like to have fallout with a girlfriend. How have I gotten so lucky? I believe it’s because I know my worth in friendships and I am drawn to women who do too. Doesn't mean either of us are perfect, but I'm drawn to women who support other women, and I do the same. That’s why friendships have been so easy for me. Relationships, on the other hand, have been a different story. When it came to boyfriends, I consistently settled because that was an area I hadn’t yet found my worth. I had a couple of long term relationships, mixed in with a long list of one-monthers, with emotionally unavailable guys because I didn’t think I could/would be able to do any better! I spent over a decade of my life being a girlfriend when I wanted to be a wife. I was cheated on. Disrespected. Manipulated. And the funny thing is, the entire time I had this idea in my mind that I was strong, independent, and confident! But the way I allowed people to treat me showed a completely different story. Things didn’t change for me until, after a particularly painful breakup, I decided to be single (for the first time in my life), find myself, and take time to understand my mistakes. I asked myself the important question of, “Why do I keep ending up here and how can I get out of this cycle??” That is when I was able to develop my Self-Worth on my terms. Once I fell in love with not being given the message that I wasn’t good enough, I vowed never to let it happen again. I started to understand why I had always made decisions based out of fear of being alone. I forgave myself for the positions I put myself in and promised to take better care of myself in the future. This is how developing Self-Worth starts to change the way you function. You care for yourself so much better. You don’t settle, you don’t rush yourself, you find what real confidence looks and feels like. It allows for grace and compassion for yourself, forgiveness where needed, and it pushes you into unknown territory with a calmness that everything will work out for the best. This doesn’t just go for romantic relationships either. When you start to know your worth, you don’t allow family to use or mistreat you. Setting boundaries becomes easier because you care less about upsetting someone for just trying to protect yourself. It also helps you to function from a place of security- if you know your worth, you don’t overcompensate to keep people in your life! If they want to leave, it’s easy to let them go! It also begins to change the way you see and interact with others. You start seeking out people that have done this same internal work. Without realizing it, you look for people that know their worth and make themselves emotionally available too. For me, I realized that the person most available, the one that cherished me for who I am, and also knew my worth (even before I did), was this guy I had kept in the friend zone for 3 years.We got married 4 months later. Never had I ever imagined he would be my type, because my type had always been in line with my old beliefs about myself. If you are having problems in a relationship, I can guarantee that you need to do this work. I’m not saying you are to blame for where you are, and really not saying the other person is either- it's not about blaming at all. I’m only saying you need to take time to explore how this relationship got where it is, and what happened prior to it that had already planted the seeds about your worth. It’s like the old saying, “You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first.” And you can’t love yourself if you don’t first know just how much you are worth. -Julie Julie Hilton, LCSWJulie is a licensed psychotherapist working in Alpharetta, GA. She specializes in empowering women to shed the pressures and expectations of the world, and find peace in the identity God intended. Click here for more information about her services. Comments are closed.
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Julie
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